Sunday, August 10, 2008


Thank the Lord that it is not measured by how often you tend to your blog....

Because I think I would be a bum...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Long Day

There is not enough time in the day to get everything done.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Holy egg salad poop

So I adopted a dog yesterday. She is a 1 year old yellow lab. She is beautiful...

She is a terror!!!

Her name was Dallas when I got her, but given my disdain for Texas I had to find her a different name.

So I decided on Callie. My mother calls her Calli Lilly...if only she were as calm and fragile as a lily.

Monday, June 30, 2008


I'm sitting in my office contemplating going and smoking a cigarette before my conference call at 11:00am.

On Friday afternoon Hell had a party here in Omaha and left a pretty rediculous mess for us to clean up after.

Our neighborhood got hit rather hard by the 70+ mph wind storm. 75 Ft trees ripped right out of the cement like weeds pulled from the garden.

My home was one of the lucky few in the area that did not have any structural damage.

It always amazes me what mother nature can really do. And lately she has been proving herself quite often. Between the floods, tornadoes, earthquakes and such, I have no doubt that she will bitch slap a city of 450,000 without thinking twice.

Friday, June 27, 2008


Uggg why does the FA Department have to be so damn great?

Because I was just forced to par-take in a "huddle" where the admissions team bought bagels and coffee for the FA team b/c they're "soo amazing and helpful".

I don't care if they're growing a money tree back there and handing it out for free! I'm on a diet and I don't want to sit and watch you guys stuff yourselves with yummy Carbohydrate packed rings of heaven.

I'm only a little bitter about it. The Vegetarian Hoodia is helping me cope.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


I'm having a Gold day. I have gold earrings on, a gold sweater and ..get ready for this one....I have GOLD SANDALS ON!!!

I know you're jealous!

All I need now is a gold stapler to match everything...

Friday, June 20, 2008


To my sister,
Happy Birthday!


I've lost a total of 9 lbs!

Whoot to me!!!

Happy Friday. I'm half awake right now getting ready for a day filled with run rate charts, expense reports, and chain smoking....

Thursday, June 19, 2008


Okay, this having to pee every 9 seconds is getting VERY old.

Today is a busy day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


I pee alot now.

Aren't you glad that you know that now? I thought you'd like that one.

Anyways, I drink alot of water during the day now, so therefore I pee alot during my day at work. Me and the end stall in the Ladies Restroom have bonded.

When I'm on a toilet I have to redirect my attention from the fact that my ass is touching a seat that MANY other naked asses have touched...So the other day I was looking at the door to the stall and I noticed a company logo on the metal hinge and lock that keeps you private from the rest of the bathroom.

The company is called "Hiny Hiders".

I would give both arms and both legs to work for a company called Hiny Hiders. Could you imagine introducing yourself to people. "Hi my name is Frank, I'm the CEO of Hiny Hiders"...

Good stuff.

I've lost 7 lbs.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


Day 2 of diet.

I have not killed anyone yet. I've come close, but I've resisted the urge. That's called will power.

I feel better about myself already. I feel like I'm moving forward, where as before I was just in this constant state of blah. I don't want to jinx this new found energy, because in the past when I have done that, I end up falling off the wagon and landing on a box of ho ho's.

I always thought that I wasn't one of those over weight people that obsessed about food. I know you're laughing at that last sentence because it makes no sense, but just humor me by pretending that you know there is a point to it. When I'm not on a diet I always think to myself that when the day comes that I want to lose weight I will be able to control my diet with out any difficulty. Well now that I'm on a diet I understand why obesity is a disease. I look at food and I want it. I don't just think to myself "oh that looks good, I wish I could try it". We're talking, I'm mentally having to hold myself back from eating everything in sight. I constantly find my conscience trying to rationalize eating a bag of skittles or a bag of chips.

I know what this means for me and my future. It means alot of effort and disipline on my part, Physically AND mentally. I'm always going to crave certain food. I'm a firm believer that even when on a diet, one should be able to have something that's not "diet food" once in a while. The important thing is to always control the portions.

At this point I'm working on cleaning out my body of alot of things I used to eat. Fast food, candy, pop, alcohol, junk food....I'm also strictly following portion sizes. Eventually I would love to try giving up alot of the crap they put in processed foods. For now, I'm only taking on as much as I can handle.

I can see a steady path ahead of me and it exciting and scary and CRAZY all at once...

Monday, June 16, 2008


Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
And I'm feelin' good
I'm feelin' good

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me
And I'm feelin' good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world for me
For meStars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine and I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
It's a new life for me

And I'm feelin' good
I'm feelin' good
I'm feelin' so good
I feel so good

Sunday, June 15, 2008


Well I had a completely different day then I expected to have. I did not go shopping for hidden treasures...well not exactly.

My friend Steph won two tickets to the College World Series...RIGHT HERE in Omaha. She invited me and I was so excited to get to go. It ended up being a beautiful hot and sunny Nebraska day. We get there about 10 minutes into the game. We find our seats, our very good seats. They were right behind homeplate, which is almost close enough to pinch the catchers butt.

I'm a big girl, and Steph is the mini me version. We go to sit down, and guess what, it's an EXTREMELY tight fit for my Wide Load of an ass to get into the seat. I felt like all eyes were one me and my ass that wasn't wanting to fit in the stadium seat. I did what I always do when it comes to my weight...I made fun of myself. I joked with Steph throughout the game about how I'd be lucky to be able to get my ass out with out lifting the whole row of connected seats up with me.

We joked all the way home about it. I joked with my mom about it. Then after Steph and my sister left, I snapped at my mom. It was over something silly...probably about the way she was blinking her eyes, I dunno, but I snapped. Then after 10 minutes of her tippy toeing around me in fear of further pissing me off, I apologized for being crabby. I tried to say that I had a fun time but that it ended up being a horrible day. I couldn't get two words out without breaking down in tears. She asked what was wrong and I told her that I think the FINAL string had snapped. I am done with living my life this way. I couldn't even go out to a ball game without feeling ashamed of every inch of my body. She came to my side and let me cry on her shoulder. I was totally expecting her to be her usual self and insert a comment about how I need to lose weight and be thin.

She said nothing. She just let me cry.

Then she finally said something ....she told me that I was perfect.

My mom has just changed my life.

I love you mom.


Yesterday was pretty close to the perfect day.

And for this family that means it would have been mediocre for a more normal family, but for us, it was a day that you take LOTS of pictures because it probably won't happen again for a few years. I don't mind, it keeps us on our toes. I took ZERO pictures, because I'm lazy like that on perfectly sunny days.

Then...yes, there's always a 'then' or a 'but' or for those class acts it's 'however'..the other shoe drops. My mother whom I love more than anything in this world got into one of her moods. It's not so much a mood as it is a judgeful scowl that she starts to emit. I can't explain my mother and "the way that she is". It's something that you would have to live with her for several years a day and you would understand what I'm talking about.

My mother has seemed to give up on her independence...something she used to pride herself on. She always resented my father because he lived a very spoiled, upscale life when he was younger. A far cry from the life my mother had when she was an adolescent. She has thrown the towel in and is perfectly content with having her children help support her.

Now I know how the life cycle goes, have a fun carefree childhood, parents raise you, then when you grow up you make good choices and start a life of your own, get married, have a family of your own, then take care of your old crippled parents who got you to where you are at that point. I understand that cycle and I'm not appealing it by any means, but my mother is far from crippled and I am far from being at the point in my life where I can happily take care of her.

I know that my mother wants the best for her 3 girls. I also know that she does not want to let us go. Let us go in the sense that if we want to travel or take on more than what we can chew at times financially, or choose a career path that doesn't pay out as much as a doctor or lawyer.

My oldest sister Lauren was here yesterday for the near record breaking perfect day. That evening she was sitting on the floor in my mom's room talking to my mother. Lauren had brought up a topic that apparently Lauren has been giving a lot of thought to. She told my mother that she wanted to pay off her debt in the next several years and then maybe move overseas. My mother of course made fun of Lauren by referencing the time when Lauren spent a whole summer in Germany acting as a nanny for my Aunt's 2 year old son and called home every day crying about how much she missed home. This did not sit well with my sister.

Now will Lauren ever move overseas? Lauren, will you? Probably not, but it's a noble dream to have and who knows, it may happen. Lauren was more pissed off that my mother would rather make fun of Lauren then listen to her idea and support her in her choices. Lauren does like to take things to the extreme so she became very upset and lets be honest, there was a split second where the world may have come to a screaming halt over this issue. Then of course it was a perfect opportunity for Lauren to leave the scene dramatically. She left mad as she secretly enjoys to do.

Lauren, don't be mad at me, I'm just laying it all down, because I had an epiphany last night after you left angry. How can my mother expect me to ever succeed if she won't cut the chain. I can't grow as a person if I always have to be by her side. She wants greatness out of her girls, and believe me I want greatness for myself, but how can that be done when she doesn't seem to want us to try to achieve our dreams?

I am going to shop for hidden treasures at the goodwill and then I am going to spend another day roasting in the sun!

Saturday, June 14, 2008


I just ate THEE BEST tiny serving of lemon ice cream. It was a creamy, tart, refreshing tease for my desperately seeking taste buds.

I love you Dundee Ice Creamery.


Saturday Checklist:

1. Wake up
2. Get coffee in my system...STAT
3. Avoid the temptation of going back to sleep
4. Go to gym and do more than just fall asleep on the bike
5. Celebrate getting healthy by sucking on a "Satan stick"
6. Withdrawal money from my checking account and cry as I have to hand it to my mother
7. Put off mowing the yard
8. Go to the store and buy essentials to get through the day
*dish soap
*inflatable pool to fill up and lounge in
*aspirin for tomorrow
9. Refuse to do anything else for the day

Friday, June 13, 2008


I just got home from the Mai Tai Lounge.

Rule number 1 at the Mai Tai Lounge is a max. limit of 2 Mai Tai's....Oh yeah baby!

Rule number 2 at the Mai Tai Lounge is to abide by rule 1 or else risk making a fool of your drunken self.

My 2 older MUCH wiser sisters are arguing with one another...They are one bitch slap away from flushing their pride down the toilet.

I love that my sister who recently quit smoking, refers to cigarettes as "Satan sticks"....I'm ashamed to say that I wrap my lips around Satan sticks daily...actually it kind of sounds sexy.

It's 8:51pm and I am ready for bed. THAT my friends is the effect that Mai Tai's at the Mai Tai Lounge have on this voluptuous chick!

Good night.


You know it's raining too much when....

One of your co-workers nearly drowns after she drove her car into a ditch....

Way too much damn rain!!!


I'm pretty sure I've had almost a whole bag of sour jolly ranchers.

It's possible that my saliva is permenantly sour fruit flavored...

Thursday, June 12, 2008


First comes the motorcycle + Then comes the go-tee + Next comes the ear piercing

= Mid Life Crisis!!!


My stomach just grumbled a full grammatically correct sentence...

I think I should go eat lunch.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


One of my 'things' that I do is while i'm sitting at my desk, I write my name in cursive over and over and over and over...again. Looks like a kid that got in trouble at school and had to write in a notebook for 10 pages.

Maybe it's my conscience's way of saying "ya well guess what lady? YOU'RE IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME...SO WRITE!!!"

I ate BK for lunch today and I'm seriously regretting it now. At no point is it reasonable to drink a 52 oz. cup of Dr Pepper...In one sitting! I don't care who you are.


I love...

How my office neighbor refers to farting as "pushing out the demons".


From Spinning Girl...I missed doing these!

Rambling:: Rambo
Magnetic :: XMEN
Again! :: Give me a kiss on the cheek and i said DO IT!
Acoustic :: Folk
Mahogany :: Wine
Promises :: Rehab
Ill fitting :: perfect
Sublime :: love
Poop :: nice
Disoriented :: CRAZY


I woke up late, my hair would not do what I wanted it to do, some jackass on the interstate thought it would be funny to drive 40 mph, I had to park way in the back of the parking lot, my office door magically got locked and MY KEY WOULDN'T OPEN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't even want to know if it can get any worse....

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


What NOT to do...

Go to your sisters new apartment and take a poop...right before she's planning on taking a shower.



Dude, what don't you get? The 915 report is due at 9:15am...I'm pretty sure the only way to make it easier for you is to re-name it the 'dueat9:15inthemorningmondaythrufridayuntilyoudie' report.

And NO I'm not renaming it to that!!! It won't fit on my desktop.

Gotta love people from Texas. I really want to reference a certain president right now...I will bit my tongue.


My Green LG "Rumor" is supposed to be Eco friendly. It's a cell phone...up until like 2 years ago, scientists said that they emit nasty shit that can cause brain cancer. What a lovely change of phone is going to save the planet. Or do I have to upgrade my plan for that?


Some would say I'm just down right lazy, I think I'm resourceful. Let me set the scene for you;

I'm sitting in my office working on some reports and putting together an order for some fancy business cards when I get a horrible itch on my back. Now, I'm a big girl so my limbs are not proportionate with the circumference of my body...(ie. I'm too fat to wrap my arms around myself!) I couldn't reach the itch. I tried rubbing my back along the back of my chair, but with 3 layers of clothing on my body and a chair that's made to be soft and comfy, it did not solve the problem.

Oh, yeah...Once I laid my eyes on those scissors, I knew the solution.

Right as i'm in the middle of relieving my of my bosses walks by.

It was SO worth it!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Clean like Mr. Clean minus the bald head

I spent the WHOLE day cleaning my house. If a clean house is supposed to make oneself feel better, well it didn't work. I'm tired, sore, and I smell like unscented bleach! I don't know why they call it 'unscented' because it definately has a stank to it! I also spent the day watching Friends reruns while I dabbled in domesticity. At this point I'm practically pooping Friends trivia.

So while I was cleaning the bathroom and cleaning out my makeup drawer, I got a little distracted and started playing makeover Michaela into a futuristic whore...well that's what my mom said I looked like. My mother loves me, I swear she does, maybe.

This was the end result:

They call that shade of red 'paprika paprika'. I call it 'holy fuck thats bright'.

If these are my bedroom eyes, than WHOA watch out!

I look like I had a mild stroke. And then tried to cover up the half paralyzed face with 'holy fuck that's bright' red lipstick.

Note: These pictures were taken before I decided that it would be a good idea to add green to the eye makeup...I never know when to step back.

Oh and this one is my ode to Amy Winehouse. Noticably missing is the crack pipe and sailor tattoos. You get the idea though:

I hope everyone has a sex dream tonight...It just feels like one of those nights. Damn, you probably will after looking at this post, that or you'll throw up your dinner. One or the other. I guess I should be flattered that you're thinking of me. Even if it costs you a meal.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I refuse to watch American Idol. Not because Paula seems high during every episode, and not b/c Randy uses the term 'dog' more times than I can count (and NONE are in reference to mans best friend!). I'm not watching American Idol this year b/c those ass wipes came to Omaha to do auditions and they painted Omaha to be some redneck inferior town, where our water is fetched from the well twice a day. Almost all of the people that made it on to that episode, weren't even from Omaha, rather the surrounding states! One girl was from LA, are you kidding me??

In all honesty I've never looked forward to a new American Idol season, I just thought I'd spill my rant.

I don't want to work today. My boss has it out for me and so she schedules me early today knowing full well that I was there until after midnight last night. I hate her and her over plucked eyebrows!

I've promised a dear blogger friend my top 3 gas station moments...they are coming, theres just so many directions I could go in, that I have to sort it all out in my's giving me a headache.

This is what happens when you fuck with gas station clerks...we keep your change and store it in this very earthy looking piece of pottery. No, there's not any ashes in there...we're not like that, we'll just throw your body in the dumpster out back.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Inabling a fat person

My mother just made THE best lasagna in the world. The 2 main ingredients are cream and butter...OH MY GHAWD! It's worth every ounce that it adds to my hips.

The cord was incorrectly cut...I'M BACK BITCHES

Okay I'm just not feeling the whole wordpress jive. No offense to the mastermind behind that slice of awesome shit pie, but I just glanced at my partner in crimes NEW blog and felt that hole in my heart that was yurning for me to come back home...or maybe I just missed the simplicity of blogger, the first reason just seemed a hell of alot more interesting.

Let's get this stuff started!

It's a frog...humping a deli warmer case. Yeah.