Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Clean like Mr. Clean minus the bald head

I spent the WHOLE day cleaning my house. If a clean house is supposed to make oneself feel better, well it didn't work. I'm tired, sore, and I smell like unscented bleach! I don't know why they call it 'unscented' because it definately has a stank to it! I also spent the day watching Friends reruns while I dabbled in domesticity. At this point I'm practically pooping Friends trivia.

So while I was cleaning the bathroom and cleaning out my makeup drawer, I got a little distracted and started playing makeover Michaela into a futuristic whore...well that's what my mom said I looked like. My mother loves me, I swear she does, maybe.

This was the end result:

They call that shade of red 'paprika paprika'. I call it 'holy fuck thats bright'.

If these are my bedroom eyes, than WHOA watch out!

I look like I had a mild stroke. And then tried to cover up the half paralyzed face with 'holy fuck that's bright' red lipstick.

Note: These pictures were taken before I decided that it would be a good idea to add green to the eye makeup...I never know when to step back.

Oh and this one is my ode to Amy Winehouse. Noticably missing is the crack pipe and sailor tattoos. You get the idea though:

I hope everyone has a sex dream tonight...It just feels like one of those nights. Damn, you probably will after looking at this post, that or you'll throw up your dinner. One or the other. I guess I should be flattered that you're thinking of me. Even if it costs you a meal.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I refuse to watch American Idol. Not because Paula seems high during every episode, and not b/c Randy uses the term 'dog' more times than I can count (and NONE are in reference to mans best friend!). I'm not watching American Idol this year b/c those ass wipes came to Omaha to do auditions and they painted Omaha to be some redneck inferior town, where our water is fetched from the well twice a day. Almost all of the people that made it on to that episode, weren't even from Omaha, rather the surrounding states! One girl was from LA, are you kidding me??

In all honesty I've never looked forward to a new American Idol season, I just thought I'd spill my rant.

I don't want to work today. My boss has it out for me and so she schedules me early today knowing full well that I was there until after midnight last night. I hate her and her over plucked eyebrows!

I've promised a dear blogger friend my top 3 gas station moments...they are coming, theres just so many directions I could go in, that I have to sort it all out in my's giving me a headache.

This is what happens when you fuck with gas station clerks...we keep your change and store it in this very earthy looking piece of pottery. No, there's not any ashes in there...we're not like that, we'll just throw your body in the dumpster out back.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Inabling a fat person

My mother just made THE best lasagna in the world. The 2 main ingredients are cream and butter...OH MY GHAWD! It's worth every ounce that it adds to my hips.

The cord was incorrectly cut...I'M BACK BITCHES

Okay I'm just not feeling the whole wordpress jive. No offense to the mastermind behind that slice of awesome shit pie, but I just glanced at my partner in crimes NEW blog and felt that hole in my heart that was yurning for me to come back home...or maybe I just missed the simplicity of blogger, the first reason just seemed a hell of alot more interesting.

Let's get this stuff started!

It's a frog...humping a deli warmer case. Yeah.