Friday, July 29, 2005

How's about a little experiment....Just sit still!

I've decided that I'm going to do a little experiment with blogging. I'm going to blog my experience on a diet. Now I won't go into details, but I'm going to create a new blog, and get it up and going for Monday. Then everyday I will journal what I do for exercise, what I eat, and of course how I'm handling purgatory for fat people.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

There's something about the smell of smokey bacon on a hot summer day in Nebraska that kick starts that gag reflex...

My mom and I went on a short trip to the bread store today which ended tragically. We made the mistake of taking the route which meant we had to drive by the bacon factory. BIG mistake. It's not all that hot out today, though in exchange for nice breezy weather, I get a mother that likes the windows up so her hair doesn't get messed up and the air off because, "it wastes gas". So around the time we hit the bacon factory, she says, " lets roll the windows down for a minute so we can get a little fresh air". We roll them down, and 5 seconds later, WHOSH! the smell hit us. like a canoe paddle to the face. And to make it even worse, the factory was a pretty lengthy strip of property and the road we were on had no intersecting roads to take you in the opposite direction of the stank...I threw up when we got home, and I'm fairly certain that I will have horrid dreams about this experience in the nights to come.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Sweet Mother of All That Is Holy..

I just sliced my finger open while opening a package. Damn you raw fish package, just damn you! I will seek revenge...

This really hurts. How the hell will I ever give birth to a human being?

What The Fuck...

Is it wierd that I get embarassed for people on television? Okay so it happens with anything reality where people perform, or really bad acting... It all started for me back a few years ago when there was a Kareokee type show on Mtv, they'd spin the wheel (of death, j/k) and whatever song it landed on, the contestant had to put on their very best performance. It was physically impossible for me to watch that show! I really think I should be medicated...

I don't know what the weather is like around the rest of the country (it's not like I'm a weatherman...or someone that watches the weather channel), but here in Nebraska, it has been rediculously hot for the better part of the summer. I'm talkin, stick your hand in a preheated oven and that's what it feels like. Well we got one hell of a nasty storm Monday night, and what do ya know? It was like 70*F yesterday. I kid you not, I actually wanted to put a sweater on at like 2pm. Today is a bit warmer, but still very nice. Please someone that does not live in Nebraska (and preferably not Iowa, because I pride myself on the fact that I enjoy making fun of Iowa), inform me if you live in a state that has nice warm (but not too hot) summers, as well as the other 3 seasons. I may consider adding to your states population someday.

I've never really paid any attention to all that celebrity gossip crap. It just makes me realize that I live in Nebraska, and that no one really gives a fuck about us (remind me to post my sour thoughts about that later). Well that was all until I discovered not a website, but a whole different world called The Superficial. I love it. The stuff that has been posted lately is a kind of stuffy, but if you rumage through the archives there is some good stuff in there. The best part about some of it, is that there is no substancial evidence that the story is true, except that they know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone else, who's hair stylist does hair for a PR person who hears all the dirty secrets in Hollywood. Note: Do not send me mean and hateful email if you didn't understand the previous sentence...because I don't get it either..just DEAL people!)
Two examples that probably have zero reliable evidence is the alleged Tom Cruise/Rob Thomas scandal and the alleged Lindsay Lohan drug problem. But hell, it could happen. Makes my life rich and meaningful to at least believe in something, even if that means to believe that one of the "sexiest men alive" might be gay and the newest bitch to arrive on the hollywood scene could be a crack addict...

Chandler: I can't take it any more! So you win, okay? Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today - Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What? Are you dating a character from "Fraggle Rock"? Ahh.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Bravo For Funny People

I'm so excited, tonight is the premiere of "Situation: Comedy". Sean Hayes is in it, (he's Jack McFarland from Will & Grace) and he is just fabulous. This is a reality type show that follows Sean and someone else, as they aim to save primetime sitcoms. Thank the Lord and Sean Hayes for making the effort. Although this is technically a reality show, and I highly dislike reality shows, this one is serving a purpose which I can't argue with.

Watch it! 8pm Bravo


Are You Kidding Me With This Shit?

So, My mother just bought a new home, but at the moment we are in a rented home, and our maintenance man is really dumb. I normally don't just assume people are dumb, and certainly wouldn't say it to their face, but he's been our maintenance man for 5 years, and...he's dumb.
He's a very nice and funny dumb man, but when we have to depend on him to fix things in our home, the funny and nice characteristics don't really make a big difference. You're probably thinking I'm a bitch right now, so I'll just name a couple of the not so smart things he's done:

1) A few monthes back our landlord decided to have new linoleum put in our kitchen. So the maintenance man came over and over about a 5 day period of time he pulled up the old floor, measured everything out, then laid the new floor down. Sounds simple enough, right? Well unfortunately a very important step was left out...GLUING the linoleum DOWN!
How can you forget this step? He brought the cement paste with him, and even opened it as if he was getting ready to use it. This leads me to the second act of dumbness he has committed.

2) So as I said, he did bring the cement paste that he was supposed to use to glue down the floor which by the way is a powder that you mix with water. This powder comes in a really fat version of a milk carton. On the side of the box in very large font is a warning that states if inhaled may cause LUNG CANCER!
So he leaves it OPEN on our kitchen counter!! Am I the only one that is extremely disturbed by that? When I asked him the following day why he left the cement box open on our counter, he says "well i needed it for today, so I just didn't put it back in the truck...makes for one less thing to lug in and out of here everyday".....Hmmm lug one more thing in and out, or risk giving your bosses clients cancer of the fucking lungs?? I mean it's a box the size of a basketball to fit in the truck, it's not like it's an me it'll fit!
So now anytime I'm in pain, I panic that I have lung cancer...even if i get a charley horse, I immediately assume that it's lung cancer...oh, I'll never be the same.
Conclusion: Dumb people should not make a living out of repairing things for other people.

On to better things.

What ever happened to Hollywood Squares? I loved that show... good times..good times.

Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation? Rental Car Agent: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars. Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. Rental Car Agent: I think I know why we have reservations. Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
- Seinfeld

Monday, July 25, 2005

When in doubt, just add more packing tape

So if there is one thing I could not do for a living it would be to become a professional mover.
I really don't think I could bring my self to do it. I've moved homes twice in my life, and that was two times too many. I praise all you prof. movers out there, send me your address and I'll mail you some cookies. It's the least I can do.
I'm only on my fifth box of crap and already I am so over it all. I probably shouldn't have started with the China cabinet because everything it contains is so fragile and important that you can't just throw it in a box and call it a day.
I'll be lucky if I can fit everything from the c.c. alone into 20 boxes at the rate my mother has me going. She insists that everything be wrapped in at least 2 layers of newspaper, spaced with 2 balled up pieces of newspaper, and to top it all off, she doesn't want any of the boxes to be heavy.
So if I do exactly as she asks, I can only fit like 4 cups and 4 plates per box. Note: My mothers china is for 12 place settings, and each setting has roughly 6 pieces not including the other crystal shit that has sat and collected dust for the past 20 years. What middle class midwesterners use decanters and brandy snifters? Not us!
Conclusion: My mom is crazy and God help the movers.

"Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it!"
Karen Walker, Will & Grace