Sunday, September 25, 2005

Blah..

I'm having one of those days. One of those days where you don't want to get out of bed...one that when you do, you just think about bed and sleep and nothingness until the day ends. I actually had a 'somewhat' active day....and by active I mean that I went to the Furniture Mart with my mom and the grocery store. In the spirits of Ashley, who really touched my blog soul with her very honest post, I guess I should dedicate one post to some honesty rather than the usual semi-humorous themed attitude.

I am a sophmore in college. I graduated highschool in 2004 and the following Fall entered University of Nebraska at Omaha (UNO) while living at home. Alot of things happened around that time, one of them being my mother getting her hard-working ass laid-off b/c the company she worked for was moving to Mexico. For awhile I had to step up to the plate and really help out, which I don't regret for a moment b/c my mother has worked her ass off for the better part of her whole life all in the name of her children. Helping out financially tought me a valuable lesson that not many 18 year olds get to learn. Most of the 18 year olds (that I knew from high school) were at the peak of the party hard era of their life and not working to help pay bills.

The transition from high school to college while living at home proved to be not nearly as smooth as I would have enjoyed it to have been. It wasn't until after Winter break of Freshman year that it really hit me like a wall. I went through this realization that I totally missed or was currently missing out on that part of my life when I'm away from the parents, growing as a person, learning new things, and meeting new people. I was doing the exact opposite! I was closer to my parents then ever before (I don't feel that to be a bad thing), I was NOT growing as a person, and I was only losing people in my life. Losing people in the sense that my high school friends were either out of state for school or at UNO, but partying it up and making new friends thru drinking and realizing that I'm an old lady that doesn't party so why the hell be friends with her. It was all of this that really slapped me into a depressed state.

It's funny because I never say it out loud...I'm depressed. I can type it, but I don't even like to say it to myself in an empty house. Maybe because I feel like I should be ashamed for feeling that way, because there are so many people out there that have much better reason to be depressed, and what I'm going thru is just a funk, one that 'would be fixed if I'd just take vitamins'. I'd say that the worst period of my 'funk' was like February-May. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I slept all the time, the only things that got me up were school and work. I was so hostle with my mom for no reason, just because I couldn't muster up enough energy or happiness to smile and at least pretend that I was fine.

Several attempts were made by my amazing sister to try to openly talk about my issues, but I denied it, said I was fine and that it was just a phase. Only a couple of times during heated arguement would I say there was a problem. I've never once really talked to my mom about it, only because she works like 80 hours a week...on a good week, so I know that how ever I felt, she probably felt 10x worse. The breaking point was physically hurting myself. I had a friend that me and a few of my close friends put thru an 'intervention' if you will during high school b/c she openly mutilated herself b/c of issues she had with her parents. At that point in my life I was a happy-go-lucky girl that could not fathom inflicting intentional pain on myself in the hopes of making some form of emotional pain go away. I remember telling myself that I would never suppress my anger or sadness to the point of doing that. 3 years later, feeling that I was about to fall off the edge, curiosity drove me to it, with a pocket knife, nothing serious, just some scratches probably over a 2 month period. I don't really know why I did it, maybe b/c it was better than the other thoughts that lingered far off in the corners of my mind. I know that I'm not at all proud of it. I also know that the only thing that I benefitted from it was realizing that I was not THAT crazy and that hurting yourself physically will not solve any problem.

To date I have not recieved any counciling nor any medical treament, partially b/c if I can barely talk to myself or my family about my problems, I know I can't talk to a therapist. I do think I'm alot better, I try to stay in touch with people from high school, and try to keep myself busy in general. I don't have a job right now, which I think is why I'm having one of those days...

I left my job of 3 years last November due to a change of command in the company that didn't sit well with me. Other than a temp position at a tux rental shop that a friend of mine worked at, and my 12 hour/week work study job which I stopped working at in May, I haven't had a steady job. My intentions at the beginning of the summer was to take a break for a month or 2 and try to get myself back in order. Well it's been like 4 months, and I'm just now looking for a job. I need one b/c we just bought a house and I'm 19 so it's really my responsibility to contribute financially. Well I'm having a shitty time finding one! Just my luck...I've always seen 'NOW HIRING' signs everywhere I went, but aparently every employer in town knows that I'm job hunting, and they're just playin' it safe.

One thing that in a real loserish kind of way has helped me is blogging. I started mine in July and though I'm not really part of a 'blog community' I really do take comfort and joy out of the regular blogs that I read. It really helps with that good old remedy of laughing your problems away.

It does feel better getting that out...even if it's just venting to empty space.

Good Night and wishing y'all as happy of a Monday as humanly possible.

Listening to: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie on the Six Feet Under: Vol. 2 Soundtrack verrrrrry good song.

8 comments:

Ms. Adventures said...

LOVE Death Cab for Cutie! Good choice!

So glad I could inspire you Michaela. Honesty is so extremely tough, especially when you have to be honest with yourself. Going down the path that your friends have and other cliche' "college" paths, is not a requirement. Don't allow the stereotypes to get you down! If you feel like you're not doing what you want to, then that's a totally different story. But don't gage your milestones based on other people's. You're not other people, and what works for some, doesn't always work for all.
You are being very responsible at such an early age, and I'm sure it can be depressing, but you still have plenty of time. If I were to look back and say what was my best time, it was when I was 23 or 24, so don't fret.

Try to do what works best for you even if you upset other people, cause ultimately you have to live with it.

FRITZ said...

Michaela:

Gosh, you really touched me with that post. It strikes me at home, too, because right now I'm unemployed after being (unfairly) fired and not finding any money and also, come this change in the weather, I remember my hard time in Omaha.

Maybe it's the city, with it's bleak factories and brown fields, that kind of inspires this kind of tragic depression. I had to be hospitalized for a bit while in Omaha, because I also hurt myself intentionally. But I was ready to end it all.

I managed to get it all together and still graduate, but I had to make some tough decisions, too. Like: I can't drink and party like other people, because I've got an addictive personality, and could wind up an alcoholic. Also: I have a shorter tolerance for stress than other people. I have to take antidepressants or I can't function.

Listen, I think you'll find it much EASIER to talk to a therapist than a family member. Family is great, but they are so close they can't always understand things from another perspective. I don't want you to think I'm downplaying the self-mutiliation, but listen! You're not the only one who has acted out that way...lots of people do it, and lots of people find help through therapy. I've been in therapy for three years, and I absolutely love it. My therapist is kind, genuine, and helps me identify red flags in my life. Plus, it's great to have someone bounce ideas off of; someone who isn't too close and can be objective. I think if you give therapy a shot, you'll find yourself looking forward to that hour that is dedicated JUST for you.

I know you think I'm joking, but Omaha is not healthy for folks with Seasonal Affect Disorder, something I have. Shorter days, dark seasons, lots of gray...it's not good for you! I suggest you go to a tanning bed once a week, to get the vitamin D, and that will help you cheer up a little bit. Your skin won't burn if you are careful, and you can get some fake sunlight.

Really: I used to be a mandated reporter, I used to work at Uta Hallee, and I know personally about self-endangerment. Don't let it do it to you. You can defeat it. It's a tough time to be out of high school and in the world. It's hard when friends just want to party and can't relate to your situation. But I know that you can defeat it, because you are smart, and funny, and do have a good attitude.

Please, PLEASE take care of yourself!
From one Omaha Gal to another.

Anonymous said...

Boo... I'm sorry for yesterday I was being a bitch. If ya wanna talk I'm here, if you don't...I won't bug you about it.

Rowan said...

Incredible post! I too grew up fast, and you know what girl? I think we're better for it. That said, I know how you are feeling old. I'm at the same point, I'd like to say it gets easier, but it doesn't really. I'm still trying to figure it out, the rebelious side to me is fighting this "life" every step of the way, but each year, it does get slightlyeasier, so my hope for us both is that we find a way to keep going.

Michaela said...

I'd rather hear the truth than lies, so I appreaciate your honesty. I know there are alot of things that I can make better, while some things will only get tougher own the road. I just need to figure out the balance.

Anamika Anyone said...

I admire your courage and forbearance. Hang in there!

I had a few bad times this year and was hesitating to post on it. But your post made me reach a decision.
As soon as i'm done,I'll tell you.

And thanks fot waiting for me.

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